Ep. 8 The self advocacy trap

The Myth of Self-Advocacy: Beyond the Girl Boss Industrial Complex

We did everything the playbook told us to do—the salary negotiations, the networking, the "leaning in." Why are we still hitting a wall?

IN THIS EPISODE Aparna and Lars are joined by technologist and community builder Hala Saleh to dismantle the myth of self-advocacy. We look back at the era of the "Girl Boss" and the "Queen Bee" to ask: Is individual advancement enough when the system itself is designed to exhaust us? Hala introduces us to mutual aid at work as a survival strategy, moving from "advocating for myself" to "building for each other." From "ghost" job postings to the hierarchy of reciprocity, this episode is a roadmap for those ready to trade professional isolation for collective power.

THE QUESTION WE'RE SITTING WITH When the system is designed to exhaust you individually, what does it mean to win together?

TAKE THIS WITH YOU

• Identify the Reciprocity Gap: Burnout often stems from a lack of reciprocity - where you give 150% and receive only "pennies" in return.

• Hire Your Friends: If you have the power to make spending decisions, use that resource to provide work for those in your community who need it.

• Speak the Name: Commit to speaking someone’s name in a room where they deserve to be acknowledged, recommended, or promoted.

RESOURCES MENTIONED

• Ya Hala — Hala’s community space built around connection and care.

• Entitled by Kate Mann — A look at gender dynamics and the pressure on women to "give" without receiving.

• Tech for Palestine & UpScrolled — Examples of alternative platforms built on collective care.

CONNECT WITH US

Visit us at https://www.circleback.club/

Hala: https://www.linkedin.com/in/halasaleh/; https://halasaleh.substack.com/

Aparna on LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/aparnarae; aparnarae.com

Lars on LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/lars-gallien; https://www.larsgallien.com/

Full Transcript

Lars: Welcome to another episode of The Circle Back Club, a podcast for workers who are tired of being told the problem is us. We're here to give you the history, language, and honesty to imagine something different together. Today we’re talking about something that might be uncomfortable: is self-advocacy really enough?

Aparna: To break this down, our guest today is Hala Saleh, a technologist with more than 20 years of experience and the founder of Ya Hala, a community space built on connection and care. Hala has been speaking loudly about mutual aid at work as a survival strategy.

Hala: Thanks for inviting me. I’ve been binging your episodes, so it’s great to talk to like-minded people.

Aparna: Our guiding question is: when the system is designed to exhaust you individually, what does it mean to win together? What if the most powerful thing we can do is stop advocating for ourselves and start building for each other?

Hala: The white-collar worker's greatest superpower is using their relative privilege to make space for people who don't have it, put them in the spotlight, and take a backseat.

Lars: One thing the system never told white-collar workers about their power is that you are responsible for what you have been given.

Hala: And that collective community has the power to disrupt systems of hierarchy.

Aparna: I leaned into the "Girl Boss" life in 2017—the networking events, the salary negotiations, the "Lean In" circles. I feel embarrassed now because I realized I was focusing on upwardly mobile women of color while ignoring those in frontline, hourly, or care roles. Even those who do all the "right things" are often the first ones laid off or blamed.

Hala: It feels built into the system. High-capitalist organizations require people who do the brunt of the work to take the hit. I was let go from a startup last year after building their entire process from scratch, yet I walked away with pennies while they told me they needed to look "leaner."

Lars: We get burnt out, go back in, and try to "rig the game" differently next time, but we’re perpetually trying to figure it out alone.

Hala: Burnout comes from a lack of reciprocity. You can do fulfilling work and still burn out if the organization isn't giving back. Reciprocity needs to be taught because women and marginalized groups are expected to serve without expectation of return.

Aparna: I want to play a video Hala made about mutual aid.

Hala (Video): If you are in a position where you can decide how the company spends money and you have friends looking for work—hire them. You aren't doing the company a favor by saving them money through "maximum efficiency." Give them work.

Lars: In a mutual aid frame, I am not owed information about what you do with the resource. It’s about standing up so everyone can meet their material needs.

Hala: Mutual aid is not charity; it is a mutual responsibility. In many collectivist cultures, it is embedded in the social contract that when someone is in need, those who have resources give. The "bootstraps" narrative persists because the less we lean on each other, the less we can disrupt the system.

Aparna: People ask me why I watch my neighbor's kids for free or why I don't charge a "referral fee" for connecting people to jobs. They want to quantify every human interaction.

Hala: My grandmother taught me: food that was made for two can feed four; if it feeds four, it can feed eight. That expansive view of "enough" is a cornerstone we've lost.

Lars: We try to "policy" our way into equity through things like "diverse slates," but we perpetually avoid actual human connection.

Hala: Many job listings now feel like a facade—ghost postings to collect data rather than hire. It hits your confidence and feels like an abusive relationship. If you have power, just do it—make decisions that help your community. Create alternative tech and alternative cultures.

Aparna: DEI without mutuality becomes "status threat." It becomes performative tokenization rather than collective care.

Hala: We can speak up against wrong practices, like quotas for performance reviews. We need to be real about what is "good enough" and root ourselves in contentment rather than entitlement.

Lars: The playbook for this already exists in other cultures. If we step outside the designed isolation, we find we aren't alone.

Aparna: Mutuality is a pathway to living in a world where we actually like ourselves.

Hala: My takeaway is: understand that you have power. And live a life outside of your work. Corporations will have you think work is your only reason for being.

Lars: Try to track less of what you give or take and focus more on what you are sharing.

Aparna: Notice when you choose not to help someone when you easily could have, and ask yourself why. I’m going to go find my identity in a knitting class. Thank you, Hala.

Lars: We'll circle back.